I have written about my Yoga journey in various ways, from writing about poses, to my first sacred and life changing journey to India, to how this ancient tool has helped me to accept ageing from my thirties into my forties gracefully. What I’m about to write about has been an extremely sensitive and heartbreaking topic for me but I feel I owe it to myself, and to all of you out there who have experienced the same, to share my story because I feel it’s the one side you hear of the least, well, maybe just in my case. So I will share my story and how, through the grace of Yoga and meditation, I have managed to cope and to accept.
I had a dream, like so many young women in their teens and twenties, that by the time I was thirty, I would be married and have one child at least, however I envisioned I would have two.
I am 45 and I am not married and I do not have children. People tend to jump to conclusions that the reason not having a child at this age may be because I decided I did not want children. The other assumption is that I am unable to for medical reasons. The one reason I never hear women speak of is that circumstances did not allow for children despite the desperate longing and physical ability to have one.That has been my reason.
When I left an almost 8 year relationship because I finally realized my ex partner would never commit despite numerous conversations discussing marriage and children, found myself single at 39, then back in a long-term relationship at 42, I had to truly face the reality that either I will have a child by the time I am 45 or…… maybe I had to actually think about the fact that having my own child is not part of the Divine plan set out for me. That was an incredibly hard and traumatic fate to acknowledge, never mind to accept.
I have always wanted a child of my own, I have been told numerous times over the years by many people that I would be an awesome mother….. that only makes my heart sink even more…. I realized over the last 3 years, even with a very supportive and loving partner who has committed to me to live a life together, that until I am financially secure and comfortable, I cannot bring a child into this world….because until then, I will not be able to support and spoil my child the way he or she needs to be taken care of, the way I know I would spoil my child. I want to give my child everything of the best and anything that will support his or her well-being and conscious growth, and I have not been, nor am I now in a position to do so. Personally, I think it would be too selfish of me to bring a child into this world that I cannot support financially. I never want my child to lack or to struggle for anything because of my circumstances. It’s just not something I can do, it would break my heart to see my child suffer.
Many have suggested I have a child before the body clock finally stops ticking, (and it’s ticking away), and be assured that my Mother can help me when I need to work. Firstly, my Mom has had her time raising 3 children, has had her time working, this is her time to enjoy her life of retirement and to relax. It’s not right for me to expect her to take care of my child while I work to support my family life. Secondly, my mom is not the grandmother type. I know this and so does she.
I have spent many a meditation practice in tears trying to understand why that dream I had to have children by thirty did not happen when I do love children. Why do you want a child….? I’ve been asked so often…. Because a child can give you the kind of unconditional love that no other human being can give you in this lifetime, because it is a bond like no other.. Because I have that love to give.
With my Yoga journey and sitting on the mat in stillness, I’ve come to slowly heal my broken heart with the acceptance that not having my own children may not be God’s plan me, that it is not part of the motherly love purpose I have to give. The healing gifts of Yoga and meditation have helped me to accept that if I cannot give my nurturing love to my own daughter or son, then my purpose is to give it fully to others. I can offer my nurturing and my love to those I serve, not just in my personal life, but those I serve when I teach.
I’m not going to lie to you…. It still hurts when I see a baby, when a see a toddler smile at me, when I hear how friends speak of their children and how there is nothing like it in the world. To those of you who are quick to judge women of a certain age who don’t have children, please remember, there is always another side to the story.
I have been gifted with the acceptance and love of my partner’s two daughters for which I am so grateful. I can freely give them my love and feel part of a family….part of God’s plan after all.
I sit and work at my 3 – 5 year vision and plan for my life knowing that will lead me to 50 and there will be no turning back to have children. I will sit in meditation seeking guidance, healing and assistance to not have regrets, to not be bitter, to stay in love and in flow with my purpose. I will ask my Yoga and meditation practice for further healing and to expand my heart ever more with love that I can share on and off the mat. Without Yoga and my meditation practice, I not only would have been very broken, but also, not able to accept and to move one.